It’s been a long time. A lot has happened. Turns out, raising teens is really tough. Even when you think you have it easy, or a great relationship, something still happens. And then when that something happens, everything becomes strained.
As both of my kids (daughter and stepson) are now 16 and dealing with their own lives, their own successes, their own crises (which I won’t share publicly because it’s their story to tell), I have come to realize that I have wrapped myself up so tightly in their lives that I struggle to disengage. And I don’t know when to intervene anymore. Is this the moment where I need to step in? Is that an instance where I should have expressed concern? Sometimes I get it right. Mostly I get it a whole lot wrong. My son doesn’t really seek advice from me and that’s fine. He has his own mom and I know he loves me but I think to keep things easy for himself he needs that distance. My daughter did, and sometimes still does. But boy, do my words have weight. And once you’ve said something, whether you said it properly or not, it’s out there, forever. The teen’s mind does not forget.
I am struggling. I have made mistakes, and as a mom and an adult and a partner people don’t really expect you to still be learning, or to get things wrong. Even when they acknowledge it – it’s ok, we’re all still growing together, we’re all still working it out – somehow the mom’s transgressions seem to be worse. You make a wrong choice and it’s a trigger that sets everything in motion. You laugh nervously and don’t even realize you did but they think you are mocking their pain or not taking them seriously. You change tactics because what you were initially doing wasn’t working, and now you’re untrustworthy because you keep changing the rules and the story isn’t the same.
Right now, my husband is the good guy. The safe space. I feel a bit like the enforcer, or the one who makes things happen. The kids sometimes use me to help them make the decisions they don’t want to make, and then come back and be angry because I made them do it. Or maybe they aren’t angry. But it shoves accountability off of them.
My husband is feeling things and wants to talk about everything constantly. And while I love our lines of communication, I am tired and overwhelmed. I can’t take the constant checking in and evaluating and reassessing and sharing.
I am very tired. I am in counseling. I am writing for myself. I don’t know where else to write and I’m not sure where to write, so this is here. Maybe I’ll get back to fun content and writing other things, but for now I need this so forgive me as I go on this very depressing journey through an open landscape where I don’t see the other side just yet but I know it has to be there.
Sunshine, Lollipops and Zombies 