What it Means to Be a Mom – Teen Years

It’s been a long time. A lot has happened. Turns out, raising teens is really tough. Even when you think you have it easy, or a great relationship, something still happens. And then when that something happens, everything becomes strained.

As both of my kids (daughter and stepson) are now 16 and dealing with their own lives, their own successes, their own crises (which I won’t share publicly because it’s their story to tell), I have come to realize that I have wrapped myself up so tightly in their lives that I struggle to disengage. And I don’t know when to intervene anymore. Is this the moment where I need to step in? Is that an instance where I should have expressed concern? Sometimes I get it right. Mostly I get it a whole lot wrong. My son doesn’t really seek advice from me and that’s fine. He has his own mom and I know he loves me but I think to keep things easy for himself he needs that distance. My daughter did, and sometimes still does. But boy, do my words have weight. And once you’ve said something, whether you said it properly or not, it’s out there, forever. The teen’s mind does not forget.

I am struggling. I have made mistakes, and as a mom and an adult and a partner people don’t really expect you to still be learning, or to get things wrong. Even when they acknowledge it – it’s ok, we’re all still growing together, we’re all still working it out – somehow the mom’s transgressions seem to be worse. You make a wrong choice and it’s a trigger that sets everything in motion. You laugh nervously and don’t even realize you did but they think you are mocking their pain or not taking them seriously. You change tactics because what you were initially doing wasn’t working, and now you’re untrustworthy because you keep changing the rules and the story isn’t the same.

Right now, my husband is the good guy. The safe space. I feel a bit like the enforcer, or the one who makes things happen. The kids sometimes use me to help them make the decisions they don’t want to make, and then come back and be angry because I made them do it. Or maybe they aren’t angry. But it shoves accountability off of them.

My husband is feeling things and wants to talk about everything constantly. And while I love our lines of communication, I am tired and overwhelmed. I can’t take the constant checking in and evaluating and reassessing and sharing.

I am very tired. I am in counseling. I am writing for myself. I don’t know where else to write and I’m not sure where to write, so this is here. Maybe I’ll get back to fun content and writing other things, but for now I need this so forgive me as I go on this very depressing journey through an open landscape where I don’t see the other side just yet but I know it has to be there.

#WhatMakesYouGreat

Every day around Thursday or Friday I think of a good blog post topic. Then I say …. oh, I’ll post that next Tuesday and get back on track. Then Tuesday rolls around and I forget what I wanted to say.

So, with all of my lost topics floating out in the ether somewhere I thought I would talk around the edges of what is on the mind of most Americans right now. I am deliberately avoiding political talk because it just starts wars amongst friends, family, everyone. What I want to say is that no matter what your political leaning, it probably seems like a dark time in America. In a way, it is. Regardless of outcome, Nov. 8 is going to causes rifts, anger and lots of fear and hurt. I’m not sure anyone here in the U.S. is looking forward to that.

But I’m posting about this anyway because I want to share a bit of light that has surfaced in the midst of all this. Our Canadian friends have launched the simple, easy, yet incredibly impactful #TellAmericaItsGreat campaign, and boy did we need that act of charity and compassion right now. If you ever needed an example of the power of words, or the big difference a simple tiny gesture can make, there it is. I read through a few of the tweets this morning and, even though I’m not much for super sentiment or national pride and stuff, it made my eyes well up.

Honestly, who wouldn’t benefit from being reminded from time to time what others like about you? When you are a whole nation looking at a huge change, this is just what you need. I read about our parks, our music, our art, our bbq…. and it all made me smile and reminded me that those things don’t go away no matter what happens Nov. 8.

So #ThankYouCanada for showing us how to be a better, heartwarming and positive people.

To close, I want to challenge each of my readers (even if it’s just two) – Tell Your Friends They’re Great. Today, I learned the power of a compliment on a grand scale. Imagine if you received that on a personal one. So take a minute or five and text your favorite people and tell them #WhatMakesYouGreat.

 

Then maybe tell them that you were inspired by Canada.

Tiny Earthquakes

I think we all go through different periods in our life where our priorities shift and our interests change a little bit. Usually, these sorts of changes bring good things (in the end), but sometimes the slow shift equates to an emotional earthquake of sorts. And just like an earthquake, those feelings are raging for a fleeting moment and then it’s all gone and you are just left with the aftershocks and the need to rebuild.

That’s where I seem to be right now.

My friendship circle has shifted a bit, and while the shift hurts I think it is ultimately for the best. I’ve been focusing on taking care of myself and my family first – we are eating better, doing more activities both at home and out and about, and looking after our bodies. Managing our schedules, getting sleep, getting work done. School has started, and with it has come soccer schedules, dance classes, scout meetings, fundraisers and more to juggle in. I am staying busy and focusing more on my own needs and wants. Tightening up my budget. Planning some home improvements. Playing some long-shelved video games. Catching up on shows. And reading, reading, reading.

That all said, I still feel some aftershocks of sadness. Especially when it’s quiet. My initial inclination is always to reach out and talk, talk, talk. But I think this is all making me better at being in charge of my own needs and emotions.

I am rebuilding. And I am stronger for it. Perhaps I will be able to weather future earthquakes, now, with more ease.