Coronavirus Check-In

So, how is everyone doing? Everyone ok? I mean that in all earnestness. I hope all of you are handling the paranoia and the isolation in the best way they can.

For myself, I am struggling.

This is going to be more of a soul-cleansing diary type post than a useful blog for most, so feel free to skip this entry if you want. I’m just really not feeling normal these days.

I work for a communications team and since the COVID-19 event has begun, I have been overwhelemed with information and stress. We started moving to emergency work shifts to keep the public informed, so in addition to working my regular work week (on-site often, mind you, because our top guy isn’t ready to pull the trigger and authorize all-hands telework) I am working 12-hour shifts in a joint information center. It’s a great idea, but I think it’s overstaffed. So sometimes I’m there and I don’t feel like I’ve even done anything valuable. I don’t feel like I’m helping. Instead, I feel trapped in a room with a group of more engaged coworkers (they enjoy emergency communications – this is not my cup of tea) for 12 hours, unable to leave or take a mental break with a book or a quick game or anything. Instead I’m at a desk, staring at a screen. Strolling the web, looking at COVID articles and being even further weighed down by all of the massive amounts of data and info there is to process.

So then I come home. My house is a shambles because my pre-teen is home all day. I have no energy or wherewithall to do anything about it. Cooking is impossible if I’m late, or a huge chore (it’s usually fun) if I’m home at regular time. More mess is made. I try to relax but I’m surrounded socially by people “enjoying” their self-isolation time. Pictures, stories and texts about getting outdoors, increased time with kids, having projects they were able to knock out.

Meanwhile, I’m trying to decide if I want to lay flat on my bed (it’s not a desk chair) and read or just pass out. I know my kids miss me, but I’m irritable and have no energy for excitement. I’m SO SICK of staring at screens. It’s too dark to go outside. I have no energy to go outside.

Now I’m on call for a weekend shift. I have both kids here all next week because one is on spring break. So I have to fake excitement. Exude family time energy.

And in the back of my mind I just want to sleep for days. I know I’m depressed but what can I do? Some people aren’t getting paid right now. I have to work. But I’m tired. I’m not doing anything valuable.

I’m not doing anything valuable.

I just hope this passes. It will pass. Some say months. Some say years.

I hope you are all doing well with this. I hope you are feeling better than me.

I hope you don’t get sick. I hope we all come out happy and better on the other side.

I hope my family isn’t hurt by my distractions. I just hope… for it to pass.